


Mean It

by crescentsteel



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, F/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining Shirabu Kenjirou, Romance, Shiratorizawa, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27712891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescentsteel/pseuds/crescentsteel
Summary: After graduating from Shiratorizawa, you move in with Shirabu. Everything was perfect, until things suddenly start to go wrong and you could only do so much to save your relationship from falling apart.
Relationships: Shirabu Kenjirou/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	Mean It

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by the song Mean It by Gracie Abrams. 
> 
> tumblr: @crescentsteel

“I’m home.” 

You dragged your feet inside your apartment. What a boring day at work. You didn’t think it was possible to get tired from boredom, but you can now attest otherwise. You headed to your room and got changed before settling down. 

Once dressed comfortably, you looked for Shirabu as he didn’t answer you when you got home. He didn’t send a message that he’d be leaving, so he must be inside the apartment. You headed to the dining room and there he was, slumped on the table with his notes as his pillow. Despite feeling bad for your boyfriend, it also troubles you how this was something that has been occurring quite frequently. 

You’d go home and wait for him until wee hours because of late night meetings with his group mates. At times, you’d wake up in the morning and find him still on the table with a cup of coffee that you’re sure isn’t his first one. You couldn't remember the last time you slept on your bed with him in it the whole night. 

When you both graduated from high school, you decided to move in together because you’d be attending the same university. He got accepted at the College of Medicine while you enrolled at the College of Arts and Letters. 

You both knew that it was the right decision. Despite making it official only in your senior year, you’ve known each other for so long that you understood him like no one else has. You love him as he is, with all the flaws and what not. 

He’s the same with you. No one else made you feel as complete as he did. And you were right, living with him is incredible. 

Living with him  _ was _ incredible. 

You weren’t asking for much. You just wanted to see him, feel him, and know that the Shirabu you love is still the same. Cause frankly, you weren’t sure anymore. You’re both under the same roof. You’re practically together every waking day of your lives. Yet, it’s as if you’re with a ghost who’s there only as a reminder that he still exists. 

You fiercely shook your head from the gloomy thoughts that were invading your mind. You knew from the start that med school wasn’t going to be easy. You knew days like this were coming. But as they come, you know that they would pass too. All this is going to be worth it when his dreams come to fruition. And when that day comes, you’ll be right there with him. 

You weren’t up to cooking, so you ordered some take out over the phone. When the food arrived, you put it on the table and kissed him on his cheek to wake him up.

“Hey. Let’s have dinner?”

He took a moment to shake off the disorientedness from his uncomfortable nap. “Hey,” he yawned. “What time is it?”

“It’s 7.”

He nodded then gathered his notes so he can help you set the table. 

“How was work?” He asked while going through his food. 

“It was so boring. I’ve been waiting for the client’s response the whole day. Can you believe it? They told me that they’d give their response today, but I waited for 7 freaking hours. I kept refreshing my emails just to see if….”

When you look at Shirabu, his eyes are fixated on a certain part of the table. You don’t know if he’s just staring blankly or he’s thinking about something else.

“Shirabu?”

He snapped out of it. “Hmm?”

He didn’t hear a word from what you said. There you were, enthusiastic about how your day went because he asked, only for your story to fall on deaf ears. You force a smile as you try to be understanding. How your day went is not that important anyways. You don’t want to be petty just because he’s tired from studying. 

Even though you say that in your head, it still stung. If he said something about his day, even if you didn't understand most of it, you’d still listen to him. 

‘This will pass,’ you remind yourself.

Instead of repeating yourself, you tell him, “I asked if you wanna watch that sci-fi movie we talked about later.” 

“Oh. Sorry. I still have to finish reviewing for my exams,” he tried to look apologetic but it was weariness that won over in his eyes. The rest of the meal was spent in silence, with both of you stuck with your own thoughts. 

You both cleaned up after you finished your food. He takes his notes again and resumes what he was probably doing before he dozed off. You don’t want to disturb him anymore, but something is clawing at your chest that will most likely disturb you for the rest of the night if you don’t tell him. 

“Shirabu?” 

“Yes?” He doesn’t take his eyes away from the papers laid out in front of him.

“I love you.”

Finally, he looks at you, something you’ve been yearning for the whole night. “I love you too, mushroom.” 

A portion of your woes melts away from his term of endearment. He gave it to you as a nickname when you got that stupid haircut in junior high and it just stuck. 

You sigh as you walk to an empty bed.

Despite the loneliness, you can cling on to those three important words. Despite the heavy heart that you bore, you can endure it as long as you love each other. 

\--

Your day was better than usual. Work passed by like a breeze and you’re in a good mood. You feel like preparing something a little bit special than your usual dinner. You want to surprise Shirabu. He texted you that he’ll be at university later than usual but will be back for dinner. You know that he’d be tired again. He always is. So you want to do what you can to ease his weariness, even just for a bit. 

You go out to buy some ingredients and return home immediately. After an hour or two, you realized you went overboard with the food. But you felt satisfied. You had prepared his favorites. 

You send him a message asking if he’s already on the way home. 10 minutes passed and not a reply from him was received. He must not be looking at his phone again. Recently, it’s become a habit of his. Still, you set the table since he didn't tell you that he’d be going home later than what he originally said. Surely, he’s on his way home. 

You made the food look as presentable as you could, then relaxed yourself on the couch while choosing which show you’d watch as you waited for him. The show was entertaining, but every 5 minutes or so, you’d look at the door if he’s there. You waited and waited, until you felt your eyes giving up on you. With whatever energy’s left of you, you used it to take one last peek at the door. 

With no sign of him, you yield to the exhaustion you never thought was there. 

\--

Shirabu dragged his feet on his way back to the apartment. He would’ve gotten home earlier if his groupmates didn’t argue like idiots on how they should proceed with their given task. He checked his phone for the time and found a message from you. 

**‘Ur on the way home, ryt?’**

It was sent at 7:05 pm. He closed your message to check the time. Your message was sent three hours ago. He returned his phone to his pocket and continued walking. He’s almost home anyway so there’s no point in replying. 

When he opened the door, the strong smell of food entered his nostrils. Before reaching the dining room to see the source of it, he found you asleep on the couch. Your position looked uncomfortable so he decided to wake you up so you could move to the bed. 

“Hey.” He tapped your arm gently.

You gently opened your lids. When you met his eyes, you instantly perked up and brushed off the drowsiness. “You’re back! I made dinner.” You smiled at him even though there are still faint traces of sleepiness on your face. 

He looked at the dinner table and found a delicious looking meal arranged. “Oh. I already ate on the way here.” On a regular day, it would’ve made his mouth water. Although what he had couldn’t be called dinner, he still couldn’t find the appetite to eat. 

“Ah.”

It was just a syllable of a reaction. Yet, it was filled with dejection that was hard to miss. That’s when regret and guilt hits him. You must’ve prepared this knowing that he’d be back for dinner. That’s why you texted him to ask if he was on his way home. But he was so preoccupied with their meeting that he forgot to tell you he’ll be back very late contrary to what he said. When he saw your text, he didn’t even bother to reply. 

He looked back at you. He was expecting disappointment, but you were smiling instead. He felt worse. “You know what? I’m suddenly hungry. Let’s eat?” He said to ease the remorse he was feeling. 

You shake your head with that painful smile you wore. “It’s fine, Shirabu. You don’t have to force yourself. I’ll fix it up while you go rest.” You plant a soft peck on his lips and stand up toward the dining table. 

He wished you were angry. He deserved it. But you don’t say anything. You just went on like nothing was wrong. He thought it’d be best to help you, but with his guilt swallowing him up, he didn’t have the strength to come near you. So he did as you told him. He got changed and went to bed. 

He’ll wait for you and you’ll talk it out. 

However, you seemed to take your time in cleaning up. He did his best to fight the fatigue, but the regular all-nighters made him powerless. He dozed off. 

When you enter your room, as expected, he’s already asleep. 

There’s nothing else to do but join him in bed. 

As you lie down, you find it hard to go back to sleep despite how hard you closed your eyes. As much as you wanted to be understanding, there’s that pit in your heart that sank deeper. It made you sick. 

It wasn’t his fault that he was busy. You just miss him so much. It feels like day by day, he’s taking a step further away from you. Your happy moments seemed like vague recollections, and when you reminisce them, you feel longing instead of contentment. Even at this very bed where you two laid down, he seemed like a distant figure. You can cross that tiny distance separating you both and envelop yourself in his embrace, but you don’t know if you’ll find the same warmth you’re used to receiving from him. 

For the first time, you let loneliness consume you as the warm streaks of liquid leak from your eyes. It shouldn’t have been like this. You’re supposed to chase your dreams together, but as he gets closer to his, he gets further from you. Where did things start to go wrong? 

\-- 

Shirabu felt great when he woke up. It’s been a while since he got some sleep. He checked the clock on the bedside. 

11 AM

Shit, he was out for almost 12 hours.

What was more surprising was you were still there on the bed. Your back was facing him while you hugged the pillow that your head was supposed to be resting on. You’re a morning person. Even when you wanted to sleep in, your body would not allow you to sleep beyond 9 am.

He can’t think of anything that would make you stay up all night. Instead of waking you up, he goes to the kitchen and prepares your lunch. Basically, he just reheated the untouched food you made last night. 

Guilt hits him again. He didn’t even notice it last night, but it was his favorite food that you made. It was so you, doing things for him out of nowhere even if he didn’t ask for it. He loved that about you. You always knew how to make him feel better. 

Except lately, all he could do was feel bitter about how you’re the one who’s always doing something for him, how you’re always the considerate half. He wouldn’t lie to himself. He felt obliged to do something in return. 

That’s where the problem rose. 

He shouldn’t feel like you were an obligation. Yet, he wished you’d stop waiting for him so late at night so he could go home knowing you’re well-rested. He wished he didn’t have to feel culpable when he couldn’t reply to your text messages. He wished you took better care of yourself instead of looking out for him. 

Because he couldn’t reciprocate them properly, the things he once adored about you were becoming a burden to him. 

He sees the result of it in your eyes. He isn’t blind to how unhappy you are. 

When you get out of the room, it feels like someone kicked him in the stomach when he catches sight of your swollen, bloodshot eyes. 

You’d been crying the whole night. 

Yet, there you were, beaming at him like it didn’t happen. “Good morning!”

He tried his best to return the gesture, but all his lips could form was a thin line that couldn’t even be considered a smile. 

As usual, it was you who did the talking the whole meal. As much as he wanted to hold the conversation, he couldn’t. He’s never been good at pretending. More particularly when there’s a pressing issue staring at the two of you right in your faces. 

Each minute ticks by and he could feel himself getting restless, every spoken word that comes from you reminds him that there’s something incredibly wrong. 

You did the dishes when you finished your meal. When you were done, he stood up from his seat.

You look taken aback, but you recover immediately and give him that kind smile of yours. 

“Maybe we should stop this already.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he instantly wished he could retrieve them back. The look on your face made his chest sink to the floor. All the cheeriness had drained off your face with a tragic expression he’s never seen before. 

He broke you. 

You wanted to say something, but your mind couldn’t come up with anything. You try to convince yourself that it meant something else other than that. But the guilt on his face told you otherwise.

What have you been holding onto all this time? 

It was like playing tug of war with all your strength, only to fall on your back because the person on the other end suddenly lets go. 

You did everything. You were there for him. You never once demanded time from him even when you ached for his company. You were convinced that all you had to do was be the pillar of your relationship until he could stand on the same footing as you did, like you both did before med school took almost all of his time.

That’s when the painful realization clutched your heart tighter. Instead of fighting the growing complication of your relationship together, you fought by yourself. And in the process, that made him the adversary. 

Still, it was painful. It didn’t exactly come out of nowhere. It has always been there, growing bigger and bigger until it finally caught up to you both. You just didn’t notice because you were always looking forward.

Your throat hurt as you tried to produce words without breaking down. 

You were so lost in your thoughts that you hadn’t noticed him go near you. He held your one hand while his other strokes your pale cheek.

“Mushroom, I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.” 

Everything about him looked apologetic and full of regret as he caressed your hand. It made the pain worse. That meant the thought of parting with you did cross his mind. 

It was easy to say he didn’t mean it, but he couldn’t erase the aftermath his words did to you. Sorry won’t bring things back to how they used to.

“I love you.”

He tells you, but it sounded empty. The words no longer held the same significance they did. It was as if those words were merely to console you. 

You could only nod as a response. 

\--

The weeks that followed, Shirabu was different. 

He was more talkative than usual. His text messages were no longer delayed most of the time. He cooked for you, which was a first in a very long time because he’s always so busy. On one weekend, you even went on a date. He took you to the movies and let you choose what to watch. 

On the surface, your relationship looked like it was improving. 

But you know better. And you’re sure he does too. 

You two were walking on thin ice that will break with one wrong step. You saw how his efforts took a heavy toll on him. He did his best to entertain you when he needed to study. That meant sacrificing more sleep so he could do the latter. 

You saw how hard he tried, but you were still miserable. 

You knew exactly why - everything was forced. He’s trying so hard for the sole reason of making up for all the times he wasn’t there. 

‘Maybe we should stop this already.’ 

Those words made it worse. They would ring randomly in your ears no matter how much you struggled to suppress them. They keep repeating over and over until they start to suffocate you. Each day, you find yourself believing that he actually meant them. 

It drove you further away from him.

One night, he cuddled you to sleep, but it felt like a stranger was holding you. 

“Shirabu.”

“Hmm?” His hot breath fanned your neck. 

“You’re mine, right?” you mutter softly.

“Yes, as you are mine.”

You held his arms as tight as you could. Touching him like this felt like borrowed time wherein you have no idea when your time is up. Every time felt like the last. 

\--

You’re surprised at Shirabu’s plan for tonight. He wasn’t the kind of guy to pull the stunt in front of you right now, even if it’s your anniversary. 

Since you passed your fourth year mark, you no longer held fancy celebrations for your anniversary. You two were content with simple celebrations at home, with cheap wine and delivery as you watch movies of your choice until you both pass out. 

But tonight, he reserved a private room for you two in the restaurant you’ve told him about once. There were candles and wine, things that you wished one day you’d be able to experience with him when he was no longer choked with med school requirements. 

But now that it’s here, you feel nothing but emptiness. 

You share the meal with small talks you didn’t find interesting nor necessary. After what seemed an eternity, you call him. “Can you sit beside me?”

“Of course.” He pulls his chair beside you. When he sits down, you lean your head on his shoulder while he grabs your hand. 

Only silence followed.

“This is it, isn’t it?” 

He tenses up, gripping your hand tighter from what you just said. You lift your head up and look at him.

“Shirabu.”

When he looked at you, you knew that he understood what you meant. 

“I tried, y/n.”

The use of your real name felt unreal. When was the last time he called you with it? You can’t remember anymore. 

“We did, didn’t we?”

He cups your cheek as he rests his forehead on yours. He closed his eyes as his breaths got heavier after each one he took.

“I love you, y/n.”

Your heart twinged at the sincerity of his voice. How ironic that you’ve been aching to feel that sincerity for so long, but you only get it when it’s time to let go. 

You hold his hand that was on your cheek. 

“I love you too, Shirabu.” With your eyes still closed, he leaned closer and claimed your lips. You could taste his tears that trickled down his mouth. With your quivering lips, you return his kiss with your own tears escaping from your eyes.

When he pulls away, he trails his fingers on your eyes, wiping your tears away.

“I’m sorry it turned out this way,” he said with his eyes locked on to yours. You bite your lips to stop a sob from coming out. 

“For what it’s worth, you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me,” he added with a crestfallen smile.

It shattered you.

You clung on to him, your face buried on his shoulders, ang cried away all the frustrations, the sorrow, and the loneliness. You even cried for the happy memories you had and for those you will never have.

He caressed your back while he silently cried with you.

You didn’t know that heartbreak can be this serene yet still so painful. 

\--

Shirabu moved in with some of his classmates. It was also nearer to their university, so it was the best option for him. 

He’d actually prefer living alone. If he can, he’d prefer to not be distrubed and do things at his own pace. But for now, completely not having you around is something he’s not used to yet. Living with some people would fill the void of not having you in his life anymore, even if he already did lose you before he even knew it.

As he unpacks his stuff, there’s an unfamiliar box beneath his books. It was wrapped in a simple white and brown paper. He carefully tears the wrapper and opens the box. It was a new tablet. He took it out to see where it could have possibly come from because it wasn’t his. Under the tablet lies a small card. 

_ ‘Happy 6th anniversary. You deserve every success in this world. I love you.’ _

He clutched the note as the inevitable pang hit his heart. You knew that your relationship was ending, but you still bought him a gift, a very thoughtful one for that matter because it was exactly what he needed. 

Up until the end, you still saw things through. You’re still you, his first love, his first heart ache. 

\--

You moved out of your old apartment. You moved in there with Shirabu right from the start. It was fitting that you got out of it when he was no longer there.

It wasn’t the same anymore anyways. Every corner was filled with memories of him. You recall how he’d stand there in the vacant spot that used to be your kitchen. He used to stand there on weekends to make you coffee. 

A bittersweet smile takes form on your face. 

You built your hopes and dreams with Shirabu on this very place, now it’s time to give them up. 

As you take a final sweep of your empty place, you catch a picture frame on one of the attached desks. You walk towards it to see what you missed packing up. 

It was you and Shirabu on the day he was made captain in Shiratorizawa. He has an uncharacteristically wide grin which you shared with him as he looped one arm around you. He was wearing his jersey with the number “1” on it. You weren’t even official here yet, but you’re the first person he told about it.

You stroke the frame with your thumb, a silent tear dripping down the photo. You bring the photo to your chest, close to your heart, and shut your eyes. You gave yourself a moment to cry for the last time. 

When you’ve calmed down, you put the picture frame back in the desk face down. You step out, leaving everything about Shirabu behind. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Me being a crybaby, bawled when I was writing this.  
> I don't like full-blown angst, but we had a collab with this them so I joined to challenge myself.  
> Did I regret it?  
> Maybe.


End file.
